is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
