ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
