Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
