What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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