yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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