Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
