I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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