I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
