You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
