This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
