you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
