You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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