If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
