We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
