I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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