I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize