Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
