dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
