Pappa wants mamma naked
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
