they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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