no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
