I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
