Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
