I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
