omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
