Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
