yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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