I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
