I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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