I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
