she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
