Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
cat food counts as protein by the way
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
