What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
