Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
