i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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