Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
