The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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