it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
