Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
