turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
