I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
