Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
