The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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