You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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