im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
