oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
