I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
