I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
