96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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