You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
