just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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