cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
